Well, I'm writing this in an attempt to be transparent about where I am right now. I don't need anyone to think that I am someone whose got my faith all figured out when I know in my heart that it is all very complicated. I haven't really talked to God much since Josiah's death. I've thanked Him for the way it happened and thanked Him that Josiah is now healed but I'm pretty scared to ask him any questions right now. The Sunday before Josiah died Milo and I started a fast. We were fasting and praying partly because our church was doing it and partly because we felt led to on our own. Before I knew that Tommy (our pastor at Ridgeview) was asking our church to participate in a church wide fast, I spoke with Milo about the idea of us fasting and praying for Josiah and areas in our lives that we were feeling like we needed clarity. So we were in the middle of a fast where we were asking God for guidance. We were wondering if it was time to move to Charleston or if we needed to look for a medical center that would consider a heart-lung transplant. These were some huge decisions we were trying to make and certainly didn't want to make them within our own strength. We wanted to be very sure that we had a clear answer from God. So one week into our fast Milo and I felt like we were getting closer to God, we both felt like we were hearing from God but didn't feel like we had any clear answers to our questions yet. And then Sunday happened, oh Sunday happened. Now what? Obviously our questions about Josiah and his care have been answered and there doesn't appear to be any logical reason to move to Charleston anymore. But now what (seems to be a continued question right now)? I don't even know where to begin talking to God right now. People will say, "God will always answer your prayers, it may not be on your timeline and it may not be the answer you want, but God will answer prayers" I don't feel like we begged God for an answer to our struggles with Josiah and this was the way He chose to answer our prayers, as much as I feel like us committing to fasting and praying was God's way of preparing our hearts and drawing us closer to Him for what He knew was coming. I just don't even know what to say to God right now. For over a year now Josiah has been the constant focus of my conversations with God and now that's not there anymore. I even asked Milo the other day if there was any point in me praying for Josiah anymore. He doesn't need anything anymore, he is perfect, but for so long prayer was one of the very few things I could do for my son. It is very difficult for me to not have that anymore or to hear others say they are praying for us now (not Josiah). I know I can talk to God about Josiah, but what do I say, "take good care of him." Of course God is taking good care of him. "I hope he's happy." Of course he's happy. "I miss Josiah." I guess that's what I tell God.
I'm afraid of asking God, "Now what?" because I'm not sure I'm ready for the answer yet. As much as I want an answer to that question I'm still stuck not feeling like I don't want to move on. Oh it's so confusing!
The thing I do know is that the week before Josiah died as we were fasting and praying, God led me to read the Old Testament book of Job. Job is the story of a man who loved God deeply and yet had everything taken from him, his family, his possessions, his wealth. Through this Job questioned God and felt uncertain , he was grieving and he was angry, he went through a whole range of emotions. He never lost his relationship with God but he questioned it. This book shows me that questions are okay, there doesn't always have to be easy answers. God is big enough to handle all our questions, fears and doubts. The beauty is I don't have to pretend that I don't have them.
This is how one theologian explains another aspect of the book of Job
" The problem ... is simply the question of how a righteous God can allow innocent people to suffer. At one level Job addresses this question by the fact that he innocently suffers. However, the book of Job does not answer the "why?" of innocent suffering. It only affirms that when one really meets God such questions fade into the background."
I am grateful that I have met God and that the statement above is true. "Why?" has faded into the background. I am grateful for my personal relationship with Christ and that I can talk to Him just like I can with my best friend. And if I don't feel like talking right now He's still there just to comfort me right now.
Blessed Girl Thank you for sharing Erin!! I have struggled with similar questions and emotions after my aneurysms ruptured. I appreciate your insight and it encourages me that I am "normal" to think these things while I cling to God for sustaining Grace! I prayed that is Josiah was not healed you would be given a large measure of sustaining Grace and wisdom. I know God has a much larger plan than just the here and now! May your story and honesty continue to help heal and encourage you and others along the way!