Being a mom whose child has died catches me off guard so often and in so many different ways. It hits me that that is who I am and I wonder how did this happen, when did this happen? Sunday, January 24th, 2010 is when I became who I am. That is a day that will define me forever. I suppose that as time goes by it may not define as much of me as it does today but it will always define me.
I am a very different mom this mother's day. One that I never wanted to be. I remember speaking with a friend before Josiah was born, who himself was going through a very difficult medical situation, telling him how I was ready to be a mom of a special needs child but that I did not want to be a mom who had lost a child. No one wants to be that mom. Now, I am one. I am a mom whose son has died and I feel like a completely different person. I have told several people how I literally don't see the same person in the mirror anymore. My mom joked that maybe it was my new haircut! I have honestly walked by a mirror glanced at the reflection and thought, "that's not me." It really has caught me off guard. Sometimes I just stand and stare into the mirror. I feel like the person in the reflection has aged; physically, emotionally, experientially. I guess it happened so fast that I don't recognize the reflection. I'm beginning to; I'm beginning to realize it's me and embrace it. I'm beginning to see some of the beauty of this journey.
Here is the continuation of the excerpt above.
There is another day that defines me though. July 7th, 1997. This is the day I became who I am- a follower of Christ. This is the day that I accepted Jesus' love for me and understood who I was in light of Him and that was a person in need of God. Because of that day in July, 13 years ago, I walk through this differently. I walk though this with hope. While this is not easy and I certainly wish I wasn't doing this there is hope in Jesus. While there are times that I don't understand how or why I became a mother whose child has died there is hope in Jesus name. Because Jesus conquered death there is hope. There is hope for eternity and hope for something bigger and greater than my understanding, there is hope for a love that never fails. I don't always understand it but because of that day in July of 1997 I have hope and hope gets me through these days.
-A Heart that Hold's On