A little healing

I haven’t blogged in a while and when people ask me why I’m not blogging my response usually is, “there is nothing new, nothing worth sharing.” I’ve had a rough past month struggling with the mom and wife I want to be in the middle of grief. Anyway this past week we traveled as a family back to Buffalo where Milo and I both grew up. We came home to see family and it’s been wonderful.

On Sunday Milo and I went to this new church plant in one of the suburbs of Buffalo. It’s a lot like Ridgeview and we wanted to check out what new churches were doing in the Buffalo area. It was great. We met lots of great people who we had lots of connections to. The best part for me though was what I experienced through the worship service. God really spoke to my heart and worked in a healing way. The pastor spoke from this passage in 2 corinthians chapter 3 where Paul talks about how before we turn to Christ there is a veil over our hearts which keeps us from seeing the full glory of God but that when we turn to Christ that veil is removed and our hearts a made aware of the glory of God. Through the pastors sermon I had this overwhelming feeling of gratefulness that the veil has been removed from my heart and that I do know and see God’s glory. What a privilege I have been given. I just felt God telling me to rest in His glory, to let His glory surround me and comfort me. I tend to loose sight of His glory and the awesomeness that it is. As the final song played I felt God speak to me again. The song was a song by Hillsong called “Soon” and the words of the chorus are this:

I will be with the One I love

With unveiled face I’ll see Him

There my soul will be satisfied

Soon and very soon

Obviously, this song was talking about heaven being the place where we will completely see God’s glory and where we will be satisfied. I have never been one to really identify with songs that talk about how wonderful it will be to one day be in heaven with God. I think I have a skewed view on longing for heaven. See I really like my life, I love being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend. I love serving God here on earth. I think it’s a great place and I believe God’s got great things in store for us here on earth. So I’ve never really been one to long for heaven and songs about heaven have never really resonated with me. They obviously do more so now, after Josiah’s death, but this song on Sunday along with the pastors message really spoke to me. I’m going to try and explain this but it might not come out right. You see I’ve been holding on to this thought that despite how wonderful heaven is wouldn’t Josiah be happier here with his mom and dad and beautiful sisters. I can say given his circumstance with all his medical problems he’s better off in heaven where he is not suffering but I’ve never been able to say given him here on earth whole and healthy or him in heaven whole and healthy, that heaven is better. I think of him as a baby who needs his mother and what God told me through this service was, yes Josiah is a baby, but more importantly he is one of God’s created children and as a child of God he is completely satisfied in God’s presence. God allowed me in the service to be reminded of God’s glory and the glimpse of it we get when we follow him here on earth. Then I was able to realize how privileged Josiah is to be able to see the complete glory of God as he sits with Him in heaven. I’ve always felt a little sorry for Josiah, because in my mind wouldn’t he rather be with his mommy and daddy and sisters. I guess that’s part of wishing to still be needed by him. But this past Sunday God showed me just how lucky or privileged Josiah is to be with His creator and that was very healing and freeing for me as his mother.

-A Heart that Holds On

riding the swamp rabbit trail

it is amazing how hard it is to ride an adult bike as slow as these girls are going!

Today's Bible Reading

So after I wrote the post last this is what I read today. It's from first Corinthians chapter 13. This is a well know chapter. The chapter commonly referred to as the "love chapter." The part many of us know well and can probably quote goes,

"⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This is where we normally stop, but here's what comes next

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

We usually hear the first part of vs. 8 "Love never fails" and the last verse in the chapter vs. 13. But the verses in between struck me today in light of what I posted yesterday. Paul gives this amazing description of what true love is, love that we should strive to demonstrate to all people, but ultimately God is the only one who can love this perfectly. This passage on love is a description of God's character. After this description of love Paul says, love never fails and then he goes on to give us a glimpse of heaven. He tells us that right now we know only in part but when perfection comes (being in the presence of Jesus in heaven) the imperfect disappears. Right now "we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

I just love how this passage is within this great description of what love is. What an encouragement to me today to read, "Love never fails" followed by this glimpse of eternity where all things will be made clear.

One thing I am certain that walking through this journey of suffering has taught me is to love and appreciate the mystery that God is. It is a characteristic of His that I find beautiful.

Here is the chorus to an Aaron Ivey song called "Beautiful Mystery" that has meant so much to me in the past year.

The Sovereign Lord, will be my strength
Beautiful mystery
Through the suffering and loss, your mercy remains
I will trust in thee

The Gospels and Healing?

Milo and I have just finished reading through the Gospels. We read through them in large chunks so it only took us about 10 days. We've been working through this Bible reading plan and I've been looking forward to the point when we read the Gospels, so I was very surprised to find myself crying every day as I read the Gospels. I just kept reading over and over about all the miraculous healing Jesus did. The theme is "your faith has healed you." Jesus tells his followers that over and over when he heals them from their physical aliments. He also tells his disciples many times about how their faith can do anything. All that, faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains stuff, sure made me question things. Not to worry, I'm not losing my faith our doubting my beliefs. It's just who I am. It was how I was raised. I tend to question things because I feel like it makes me believe more in the truth I find. So here I am reading through the Gospels the books of the Bible that are suppose to bring me such hope and I'm crying because Jesus heals everyone he comes in contact with. There are no stories in the Gospels ( I don't think, I suppose I could have missed one) when Jesus chooses not to heal and even when he didn't heal right away he raised dead people back to life. As I read these miracles over and over I couldn't help but ask why He didn't choose to heal my son. I believe He could have. I remember sitting at the funeral home in Charleston the day after Josiah died and them telling me that they had already brought Josiah's body there from the morgue. I sat there thinking Jesus could still bring him back to life. Couldn't he? Then I go back to what Jesus said over and over, "go, your faith has healed you." So of course I question. I think I have enough faith but maybe I don't.

I don't really know what else to say here, right now. This is one of those post that I'm not sure I should publish. Believe me when I say I don't mind being in this place where I question my faith. I enjoy questioning why I believe what I believe. It makes it more real to me. I don't have answers for why God didn't heal Josiah and I probably never will but I will continue to seek how that aligns with my belief in a God who loves me deeply.

- A Heart That Hold's On

Happy Birthday, Hazyl Grace!

We had such a wonderful day celebrating Hazyl's 3rd birthday yesterday. When did she get so big? We spent the day at my parents house out at the lake. It was a great day to be out on the water with family and friends. We really did have an amazing day. My mom was wonderful as always, and made a fantastic dinner for all of us. She's wonderful to do all that she did. It just was really nice to spend the day with all the grandparents, the Dunsters and the Gibbons!

Hazyl was very excited about having "tools for workin"
Mommy spent 3 hours on making this fish cake! I'm getting better at this cake decorating thing! I was actually pretty proud of this one. That's a huge improvement for me!

I love these pictures of Hazyl out at the lake because they capture her. You can't see her face and their sort of far away because Hazyl never sits still for a picture! She's too busy, doing her own thing! She spent a couple of hours building this rock "wall." She'd walk down the beach and find rocks, the bigger the better and carry them back to continue building. None of the other kids did it. Just Hazyl by herself, doing her own thing. I love that about her. She's absolutely beautiful!