Back in October I had a conversation with a friend of ours from church who was going through the struggle of her lifetime. Her husband had recently been diagnosed with a very severe form of cancer. This hit our church like a ton of bricks because this man was an extremely active, young, soccer coaching, children's church teaching, boisterous, dad, who you thought nothing could slowdown. This diagnosis bothered me greatly because it just seemed so unlikely, so unfair. This man has an amazing wife and two beautiful young children who I couldn't imagine without a dad. At the same time all this was going on our church was going through a Bible study called "One month to Live." I was talking with this woman about how I was getting frustrated with this Bible study because it kept asking the question of when you go through "rough times" or look back at the "tough times" in your life and discuss how God was with you through those times. I was just so frustrated by that because in my mind I have never been through a "tough time." If I had to force myself to come up with "tough times" I've experienced it would include not being elected senior class president and sitting the bench more than I wanted to on my college soccer team. Both extremely insignificant. I'm a person who doesn't sweat the small stuff and it really would take something major for me to consider myself to be going through a "tough time."

So I am having this conversation with this woman about how I don't have a clue what it's like to experience something tough in my life. I was telling her how I was watching her and wondering if I ever had to go through something like she was going through how would I react. What would my faith look like. Would I be able to sing the worship songs praising the God I love so much while I was in the middle of it. I didn't want to sing then about the marvelous love of God if I didn't think I could sing it and mean it during a storm in my life. There is this song "Blessed be your name," that I love to sing, that talks about loving God when things are good and when things are bad.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be Your Name

Her situation was making me really reflect on how authentic or not my faith really was. Could I really sing this song and mean it when my "road was marked with suffering." If not then I shouldn't sing it when "the worlds' all as it should be." I was striving for my faith to be authentic, but I was telling her I had no way of knowing because I simply had never had my faith challenged in that way. We wrapped up the conversation with her saying to me that she hoped I never had to experience "tough times" and I know she meant that from the bottom of her heart. The ironic thing about this conversation was that I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time, which is exactly when Josiah's heart was being formed.

So now what. Seven months after that conversation Milo and I are about to face the most difficult challenge in our lives and I want to go through it authentically. I don't want to fool myself or anyone else with the way I'm feeling. I want to go through this as real as I can be. Milo and I have talked many nights about how the most comforting thing about our faith is that we fully believe that we serve and love a God that is big enough to handle us being mad at Him or even disliking Him at times. Daylia tells me sometimes "I love you but I just don't like you right now." I'm confident that my God can handle that reaction from me too! I don't right now necessarily take comfort in the fact that God is in control and all this is part of His plan or His will because, while I believe that whole heatedly, God's plan may not be the same as mine. I obviously want Josiah to come out of this a champion but that may not be what God chooses. I 100% know and believe that God can and I'm begging Him to heal Josiah's heart, but that doesn't mean He will. To me that's reality. That doesn't mean I don't trust God's plan, I do. It just in this moment doesn't bring me comfort. Like I said what brings me comfort is in knowing that in the begining of all this God loves me deeply, in the middle of it He is big enough to handle me being upset with Him or questioning Him (by the way I'm not upset with Him, yet!) and that in the end "God works for the good of those who love him."

"Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer"
Music by Keith Getty; Words by Margaret Becker

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.