One of the things I've been feeling as we transition back to life here in Greer is that I have missed so much. I honestly feel like I have awoken from an 8 month long coma. Life moved on here while ours stood still for so long. It's been hard to realize the many things I've missed since last May. The inside jokes that friends have that I'm not on the inside of anymore, the issues that others are going through that I had no idea had happened, the knew faces at our church that I've never met yet they send there condolences. It's a strange feeling.
In the last post that Milo wrote he said, "what now, what do we do now?" That is the question looming over us. What now? As a friend mentioned to me earlier today, before Josiah we were this "perfect" little family. My husband had a great job, I had a wonderful part-time, work from home job, two beautiful girls. Everyone was healthy and happy, life was easy and good. Then we got thrust into upheaval with Josiah. We've spent the last year loving a little boy who we never knew how long we would have. We spent the time living 4 hours apart struggling to keep life normal for our girls. We entered this world of the medically fragile child and ICU's. It's such a different world and one we grew to love along with the people that came with it. Now we don't have any of that anymore and we don't know what to do. While it's been a very difficult year we miss it terribly and we don't want to go back to that "perfect" little family of 4 we used to be. We are not a family of 4, we are a family of 5, just not the "normal" family of 5 and we don't know what that looks like. We really don't want to just fall back into the live we used to have. How do we keep that from happening? What changes in our lives? I don't know.
I feel guilty doing things that I wouldn't be doing if Josiah were alive. I'm a pretty with it person and I know in my head that there is nothing wrong with having fun and living life where we are at but I still feel guilty. I have had 4 different offers from 4 different people to join them in a race in March. I know that all these people think, "Erin loved running before Josiah and hasn't been able to get back to running since he was born, so I bet she'd love running again." While that is a very logical thought and probably on of the most healthy things I could do at this point, it makes me feel guilty or maybe sad because if Josiah were home with us there would be no time for running. At this point I'd rather there be no time for running. There is also another emotional hang up with running that I don't think I want to get into right now. I really do want to start running again and I'm hoping to do at least one race in March. I just think it's going to be a slow start.
So those are just some of the thoughts going around in my head and around our house. Sorry for the jumbled thoughts but that seems to be the only way the come. Poor Milo! I will continue to say that I know Josiah is better off now, he is healthy and whole and has no more pain in his future. That's really what gets me through the days. But I am still his mommy and I miss him greatly. I still want another day with him, more time to hold him. I want to be the one taking care of him and making him smile.
- A heart that holds on
Rene I understand everything you're saying. Even 18 months later, I still find myself wondering who I am. I was Tommy's Mommy and that is how I defined myself. After he was gone, I felt so empty and misplaced. It's taken me a long time to feel comfortable being happy and having fun. It will come for you someday too. I think I am no better or no worse since Tommy died, but I am forever changed.
I also learned from myself and from other moms that have lost their babies that there is no right or wrong way to feel. My husband thinks he should "move on", my 11 year old won't let us speak Tommy's name, my 6 year old tells me he misses him at least once a week. My mother in law is in therapy. I blog, take meds and share his story. So many different ways to cope over the same little boy. I pray you find your place in the world again. You will always be a family of 5. You will always be Josiah's mom and dad, even if strangers can't see that. You carry an angel with you where ever you go.
Email if you need anything.
Rene Dereksen