Our Innocent Girls

Posted by Erin Wilson On Wednesday, March 3, 2010 3 comments
We continue to have ups and downs at the Wilson house. It's been tough lately for a lot of reasons. One thing I feel comfortable sharing although I am embarrassed by it is the emotions I have been experiencing with my girls the past couple of days. For some reason they have been really clingy to me lately, hanging on me, whining their favorite phrase, "I neeeed you, Mommy." They were like this a lot in Charleston. I have a hard time with it the past couple of days. I'm frustrated by them needing me so much because what I am missing is being needed by Josiah. I hurts to be needed by them so much and to not be needed by Josiah. It's like I want to tell them, "you're fine, you're a big girl, you can go to the potty by yourself, you can get dressed by yourself, your brother on the other hand, he's the one who needed me." Obviously, I don't say that to them, but it is what I feel, as hard is that is to admit. So I get frustrated and upset with my two precious girls. I know that it's not there fault.

I think I need to make some time away from them occasionally because I think what happens is that being with them constantly keeps me so busy that I don't have the time to grieve the way I need to and so I get angry and upset. I think if I can make the time to get away I can be more present when I am with them. I think both Milo and I need sometime by ourselves and some time together without the girls. So I'm taking a break tomorrow. I'm going to a church leadership conference with Milo. Thank you to my dear friend who is going to watch the girls for us tomorrow. I'm hoping some time away from the girls will give me a chance to reflect and recharge and I'll be better for it and for them when I get back.

Our girls are beautiful and they bring us so much joy. I am so grateful for them, their health and their joyful spirit. I never imagined myself getting so frustrated with them and I feel so guilty for it but I love them to much to continue feeling this way so I'm going to try some new things hoping to get back on track.

Here are some beautiful pictures I took of the girls yesterday in the backyard. We had the most beautiful snow yesterday. In an attempt to keep reminding the girls (Hazyl especially) where Josiah lives now I told them that I thought Josiah knew how much his sister's loved snow. So maybe he asked God if He would make it snow for his sisters and God said, "sure!"




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3 comments to Our Innocent Girls

  1. says:
    March 3, 2010 at 11:13 PM

    Ruth Robertson I can't say that I know what you are going through with passing of your little Josiah, but I do understand what you are going through with your girls. I am a mother of 4 girls with the younest ones being 2 years and 7 months old. Sometimes I want to disappear, but I know that I can't. I cry for you and your family often. I can't imagine losing a child. The closest I have come is losing my 3 1/2 year old nephew. You show the same strength that I saw in my mother when her grandson passed away. That strength will carry you through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. You have been an inspiration to me. I continue to think of you and your family and I pray that God continues to bring you peace. May God bless you and your family.

  1. says:
    March 6, 2010 at 10:19 AM

    CMaqueda That was a beautiful snow, I think it's wonderful to imagine Josiah throwing handfuls of snow in the air for the girlies, we miss you all. Hope you are feeling rejuvenated after the conference with Milo. I love you all, can't to talk with you again soon.

  1. says:
    March 7, 2010 at 10:11 AM

    annamarie saarinen Beautiful photos. You are doing an amazing job..both of you. The other children always have it so hard. We didn't lose Eve, but were with her non-stop for half a year in the hospital. Our teenager and our toddler both struggled greatly. They basically "lost" us for that time. I still see hints of that. We are so grateful to be needed though. Recharging is the perfect was to put it. You'll feel better after the retreat. I hope it's OK, but I asked another heart mom whose baby died in December (Cora's mom - not sure if you know her)...but she took some time off to heal in Florida and asked for names she could write in the sand on her trip. Here's the link to her post of Josiah's name:

    http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=57109433&id=6822497

    It's quite beautiful. Peace and prayers, Annamarie, Paul, Jack, Elle and Eve Saarinen

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