I haven’t blogged in a while and when people ask me why I’m not blogging my response usually is, “there is nothing new, nothing worth sharing.” I’ve had a rough past month struggling with the mom and wife I want to be in the middle of grief. Anyway this past week we traveled as a family back to Buffalo where Milo and I both grew up. We came home to see family and it’s been wonderful.

On Sunday Milo and I went to this new church plant in one of the suburbs of Buffalo. It’s a lot like Ridgeview and we wanted to check out what new churches were doing in the Buffalo area. It was great. We met lots of great people who we had lots of connections to. The best part for me though was what I experienced through the worship service. God really spoke to my heart and worked in a healing way. The pastor spoke from this passage in 2 corinthians chapter 3 where Paul talks about how before we turn to Christ there is a veil over our hearts which keeps us from seeing the full glory of God but that when we turn to Christ that veil is removed and our hearts a made aware of the glory of God. Through the pastors sermon I had this overwhelming feeling of gratefulness that the veil has been removed from my heart and that I do know and see God’s glory. What a privilege I have been given. I just felt God telling me to rest in His glory, to let His glory surround me and comfort me. I tend to loose sight of His glory and the awesomeness that it is. As the final song played I felt God speak to me again. The song was a song by Hillsong called “Soon” and the words of the chorus are this:

I will be with the One I love

With unveiled face I’ll see Him

There my soul will be satisfied

Soon and very soon

Obviously, this song was talking about heaven being the place where we will completely see God’s glory and where we will be satisfied. I have never been one to really identify with songs that talk about how wonderful it will be to one day be in heaven with God. I think I have a skewed view on longing for heaven. See I really like my life, I love being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend. I love serving God here on earth. I think it’s a great place and I believe God’s got great things in store for us here on earth. So I’ve never really been one to long for heaven and songs about heaven have never really resonated with me. They obviously do more so now, after Josiah’s death, but this song on Sunday along with the pastors message really spoke to me. I’m going to try and explain this but it might not come out right. You see I’ve been holding on to this thought that despite how wonderful heaven is wouldn’t Josiah be happier here with his mom and dad and beautiful sisters. I can say given his circumstance with all his medical problems he’s better off in heaven where he is not suffering but I’ve never been able to say given him here on earth whole and healthy or him in heaven whole and healthy, that heaven is better. I think of him as a baby who needs his mother and what God told me through this service was, yes Josiah is a baby, but more importantly he is one of God’s created children and as a child of God he is completely satisfied in God’s presence. God allowed me in the service to be reminded of God’s glory and the glimpse of it we get when we follow him here on earth. Then I was able to realize how privileged Josiah is to be able to see the complete glory of God as he sits with Him in heaven. I’ve always felt a little sorry for Josiah, because in my mind wouldn’t he rather be with his mommy and daddy and sisters. I guess that’s part of wishing to still be needed by him. But this past Sunday God showed me just how lucky or privileged Josiah is to be with His creator and that was very healing and freeing for me as his mother.

-A Heart that Holds On

Labels: grieving